Paper Mario: The Spoof
by Smash Brawler 1
Summary: After what seemed like a regular day, everything goes wrong. As usual. Bowser's Castle is on top of Peach's, they're in space, and Mario is left on land with a group of dimwitted and overall screwed-up people, and also a green clone of Mario! No wait, that's Luigi. Rating changed to M due to reviewer request. Sorry about that!
1. Prologue: That Screwed Up Goomba Family

**Paper Mario: The Spoof**

**Prologue: That Screwed Up Goomba Family**

It was a nice day outside Mario and Luigi's house. The sun was shining, the wind was calm. A flying Koopa Troopa in a Brown Helmet and goggles, and a mailbag on his shoulder.

The Koopa landed down next to Mario's mailbox. He inserted a letter into the mailbox and called out. "Yo, Mario! Your mail's here!" He took off into the skies again, thinking. _Heh heh. Next up, Boo Mansion, for Princess Bow. Heh heh heh heh. Giggity. _He thought, flying towards Forever Forest.

Luigi walked out the door and went towards the mailbox. He looked up to see the mail Koopa flying away. "Thanks, Parakarry!"

"Screw you, Luigi!" He called back immediately. "You interrupted my hot thoughts!"

Luigi looked at him strangely, shrugged, and walked back into the house with the letter. "Hey, bro." He said as he walked in the house. "We got a letter from Peach."

Mario stood up. "What now...?" He sighed.

"Let me read it." Luigi offered.

Mario was about to say "I want to read it!" But stopped, rolled his eyes, and flipped his brother off.

_Dear Mario and that other... guy... Link? No. Luigi? ... Yeah._

_Anyways, I'm holding a huge party at my castle today, and you two are invited!_

_Many guests from distant places will be there and are dying to meet you!_

_Well, except for the Boos from Boo Mansion and Gusty Gulch. They're already dead._

_The party starts at Noon, SHARP. And don't be late!_

_Princess Peach_

Luigi smiled enthusiastically. "You hear that, bro?"

Mario sighed. "Yeah. A party. Whopee." He sarcastically cheered.

Luigi, sensing Mario's sarcasm, rolled his eyes and said, "You know, there's the chance you'll get laid at the party by her."

Mario's eyes grew wide. "Laid?" He repeated. Quickly, he grabbed Luigi by his overalls and dragged him into the warp pipe outside the house. "Let's-a go."

Mario and Luigi travelled through Toad Town, towards Peach's Castle. When it was in sight, Mario and Luigi smiled.

"Here we are, bro!" Luigi said.

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Mario said. "Where's Peach?"

A Toad Guard overheard the brothers talking and said "I believe she's near the balcon-" He was interrupted by Mario running off towards the balcony. "...ny." He finished.

Luigi sighed and had a conversation with the guard.

Mario continued running through the halls, towards the Balcony. "PeachPeachPeachPeach LaidLaidLaidLaid..." He kept repeating the two words on his mind. He stopped short when he saw the Princess Peach in the hall near the balcony.

Peach turned to see Mario and smiled. "Ah, Mario! Fantastic to see you!" She greeted.

"Shut up and bend over, bitch!" Mario replied, pointing at Peach.

"...What?" Peach said, backing up a little.

"Sorry. Got the best of me." He said.

Then, a strange hovering sound was heard.

"What the hell?" Mario exclaimed.

The glass was broken, and in floated...

"Bowser!" Peach gasped.

"Bwahahahaha!" Bowser laughed. "Hello, Mario, Princess. I'm crashing this here party, then I'm gonna go back to my castle, underneath yours, and drink some Beer."

"Waitwaitwaitwait," Mario began. "Did you say your castle... was right underneath this one?"

"Yep." Bowser replied nonchalantly.

"... You sick bastard."

"Ah, shut up and fight, Mario."

BATTLE BEGIN

Mario: 10/10

Bowser: ?/?

Mario begins the battle by jumping on Bowser's head, dealing 1 damage.

Bowser: ?/?

Bowser walked up to Mario, and bitch-slapped him with his tail, dealing 1 damage.

Mario: 9/10

Mario jumped again, doing 1.

This'll get tedious, so let's skip.

Bowser laughed. "Bwardeehardeehar. I'm invincible now!"

Mario looked at him. "Uhhh... no you're not."

Bowser held up the Legendary Star Rod in the air and laughed. "Ha ha ha! Now I am!"

Mario crossed his arms. "No... you're not."

Bowser threw the Rod at Mario's face, dealing Over 9,000 damage.

Mario: 0/10

"NOW I AM!" He screamed, picking up Mario's limp body and disposing of it, out the window, into space.

"Wait, when'd we get into space?" Peach asked.

"During the fight, duh." Bowser answered. "Now. TO YOUR ROOM."

"Never!" She screamed, running away... into a wall.

Koopatrols walked in and picked up the unconsious Princess. "We got her, sir."

"Good. Now that I killed Mario, he'll never bother me again! Ahahaha!" He looked back to the door. "Now for my beer."

Mario landed in a lush forest-like area surrounded by trees. A pink Goomba with an orange bow walked up to him and looked down.

"My god. Mom! Dad! Goombario! Gooma! Goompa!" She called out. "We found ANOTHER hobo!"

Mario woke up... to see a ceiling. "Wh-what the?" He said, rubbing his head. "Oooh... where am I?"

A familiar voice looked up at the plumber. "Bout time you woke up, Mario."

Mario looked at the voice, which happened to be Toad. "Oh, Toad. When did I get here?"

"Seven days ago." Toad replied. "Goombaria saw you fall in here. She thought you were a hobo."

Mario sighed. "Man." He got up. "I... I had this weird dream."

Toad looked at him.

"I saw this mustachioed Star... he said to me, "Mario. Come to Shooting Star Summit!" Mario said.

Toad stared at Mario. "Eh... you sure you're all right? Did you take any crack before the fight against Bowser?"

"No!" Mario yelled, tossing a pebble at Toad.

He walked outside to see a family of Goombas. One with a blue hat, one with an orange bow, one with an orange bow and LIPSTICK, and one with a black mustache.

"..." He stayed silent. "DIE!" He screamed, about to jump on Goombario, who screamed and ran away.

"Oh look." Goombaria said. "He's awake."

"Calm, Mario, calm!" The mustachioed Goomba said.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME!" Mario screamed.

"You're the Mario." He began. "Who DOESN'T know you? I'm Goompapa."

"I'm Goomama." The Goomba with lipstick said.

"Goombaria here!" Goombaria said.

"G-G-Goombario." Goombario said.

"Or, as we call him, Goombario the Gay." She snickered.

"HEY! SHUT UP ABOUT MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION!" Goombario screamed at his sister.

"Wait, so, you're actually... homo?" Mario asked, curiously.

"Yeah." Goombario sighed. He looked up and got a better view of Mario's face. "...You're hot."

"OH MY GOD!" Mario screamed. "What the HELL!"

"Oh, oh, I'm.. I'm so sorry... It's just I-"

"I don't want to know."

"You should see Gooma and Goompa, over there in that house." Goomama said.

"No. I just want to go." Mario replied.

"Well, you can't, fatass!" Goompapa screamed.

"... And why not?"

"The freaking gate isn't done yet, retard!"

"FINE! I'll talk to Gooma and Goompa!" Mario said.

He walked in the door and saw a wrinkly old Goomba. "You must be Gooma."

"What's it to ya!" Gooma yelled.

Mario silently walked away to the verdena outside.

"Giggity giggity giggity giggity..." Goompa repeated. Did he have... binoculars?

"Uh... sir?" Mario asked, slowly walking towards Goompa, who quickly turned around.

"Woah, transvestite! Back off." Goompa screamed.

"Uh... okay." Mario said, walking into the door and outside.

"OK, Mario, the gate's fixed." Goompapa said.

"THANK YOU." Mario said, walking out.

"Stop right there!" A voice called out. A Magikoopa in a Purple Robe appeared on a broom. "I am Kammy Koopa." She said. "I could've sworn there was an old Goomba looking at me through binoculars. ANYWAYS, you'll never get to Bowser's Castle!" She laughed, creating a huge yellow block in the path, landing onto the gate.

"Oh, no. Oh, HELL NO." Goompapa's eyes turned red. "YOU RUINED MY GATE, YOU STUPID BITCH!" He screamed, tossing a Goomnut at Kammy, which hit her and she fell.

She got up and flipped off Mario, Toad, and the Goombas and flew away.

"I LOVE YOU!" A voice from the verdena called.

"Well, damn." Mario said. "This blows."

"I think Goompa has a hammer that can break this thing." Goombario informed.

"Good." Mario said, walking towards the verdena.

He opened the door and walked onto the verdena. "Hey, where's Goompa?"

Suddenly, the verdena began blinking. Soon it disappeared completely, and Mario fell.

"SON OF A BIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch..." He yelled as he landed. Goompa saw Mario and walked up to him.

"... Oh my god, it's the transvestite!" He yelled.

Mario sat up and angrily flipped off Goompa. "I just wanted to get LAID! Is that too much to ask for!" He cried.

"Forget it. Where's my doll that I feel?" Goompa asked.

Mario looked at him. "... Creepy."

Goompa looked in a direction. "I think it's over there! Also, I might have a hammer there too."

Mario sighed with relief and ran off towards the direction, picked up a bush, and found the Hammer. And... a doll that looks like Peach.

"... I.. think I see your doll, Goompa." Mario said.

"Yay!" Goompa said, rushing towards the doll.

"H-hey! Why are you here!" A voice called. Mario and Goompa looked over to see a Koopa who is half-out of his shell.

"Is he.. retarded? He's not even out of his shell." Mario commeneted aloud.

"I heard that!" He screamed. "I'm Jr. Troopa! And you're gonna pay for tresspassing on MY property!"

Mario rolled his eyes, grabbed the hatchling, and tossed him at the wall. "Come on. Let's go."

They arrived at a block similar to the one that broke Goompapa's gate. "Time to put this thing to work!" He exclaimed, holding his hammer back. Quickly, he slammed the hammer at the Block, destroying it.

"Great."

They travelled through the rest of the field, and arrived in Goomba Village again.

"Must you be leaving, Mario?" Goomama asked.

"Yeah, I need to save Peach, AGAIN." Mario replied.

"Well, good luck... and can I ask you a favor?" Goomama asked.

"Uh.. sure?"

"Please, Goombario needs to be stronger..."

"And straight." Goombaria inserted.

"So.. can you take Goombario with you?" Goomama finished.

"... Yeah, sure. Whatever." Mario said, then turned to Goombario. "Let's go."

"Sweet!" Goombario cheered.

"But no ideas." Mario said. "I'm not gay, and I never want to be."

"Damn." Goombario cursed under his breath.

"So long, Mar!" Toad said. "Bye! I'll see you in other Toad Houses!"

Mario waved to the family, and walked off, Goombario following behind.

After a quick walk through the path, Mario ran into two Goombas, one red and one blue.

"Yo, bro! It's Mario!" Said the Red Goomba.

"Alright, guy, you're gonna die!" Yelled the Blue one.

"These rhymes are queer, so let's just go. Ain't that a good idea, Mario?... Damn, now they have ME rhyming!" Goombario said.

"What the hell? Who are you two?" Mario asked.

"I'm big, bad, and Red! The one who's gonna make you DEAD!" Red threatened.

"I'm quick, slick and Blue! We're gonna make Plumber Soup out of you!" Blue said, menacingly.

"Yo, assholes! Quit your gay-ass rhyme! You realize that we don't have the time!" Mario yelled.

"Screw you, Mario! We're gonna make you bleed!" Red began. "You'll never ever have your princess freed!"

"No, really. Stop rhyming. It's stupid." Mario said, more serious.

"...Okay." Red said, dashing towards Mario. "Let's see you dodge this!" He yelled, tossing himself at Mario in a flying kick.

Mario quickly dodged with a duck, then did a backflip onto Red, dealing 2 damage. "Take it, dumbass! I've been doing this for years!"

Goombario then took out a scanner and focused on Blue and Red. "O-okay, Mario! Red is the older brother of the two. And also the stronger. He has 10 HP, but your jump dealt 2 damage to him, so now he has 8."

"Blue is the younger of the two, but the faster. He'll try running around you to make you dizzy. Time a jump or hammer blow correctly to stop him. He has 8 HP."

"Thanks, Goombario." Mario nodded.

"Tee hee. Am I ge-" Goombario was interrupted by Mario tossing a rock at him.

"No, you're not getting to me." Mario rolled his eyes.

"You're gonna see stars when I'm done here, Plumber Boy!" Blue growled, as he ran up to Mario and Goombario, and surrounded them in a quick dash, circling them.

"Okay... okay..." Goombario focused. "Now!"

Mario swiftly took out his hammer and smacked Blue sideways with it, doing 4 damage, and the hit sent Goombario flying towards a wall. He hit it, and fell. The impact of hitting the wall was 2, and hitting the ground was 2. Blue was instantly KO'd.

"... That was easy." Mario said.

"Bro!" Red cried, running to his blue brother's aid. "Speak to me!"

"Y-yeah... I'm alright, bro... if we get to King Goomba's place safely, I'll be f-fine." Blue said weakly.

Red nodded, and looked evilly at Mario. "You gonna die, bitch." He growled. A machine gun appeared, along with red... hands.

"... Holy crap." Mario said, his eyes wide.

Red readied the gun, and pointed at Mario. "YOU GONNA DIE, BITCH!" He repeated, shooting at Mario.

Mario jumped over the bullets quickly, grabbed Red from behind, and tossed him into the wall even HARDER, dealing 6 damage! Red hit the floor, doing the occasional 2. Red was KO'd. "YEAH! EAT IT, BEEYOTCH!" Mario screamed hysterically. Then he laughed maniacally. "AHAHAHAHAHAH!"

Then he stopped, and jumped on the spring. "Let's-a go." Goombario followed.

Mario was surprised to see this. "... What... the... hell... is... that?" He stared.

There stood a giant Goomba with a white mustache, beady red eyes, and a crown. "Goomboss is I. Crush puny plumber is what I do. Die is what you do! On is what you bring!" He yelled, dashing towards Mario, Red and Blue followed, still kind of weak.

Goombario looked up. "Mario!" He said, eyeing a tree. "There's a Goomnut tree! Slam it with your hammer, the Goomnut will fall out, and probably bounce off thier heads."

Mario did so, and a Goomnut fell, and hit Goomboss, Red, and Blue. Red and Blue were instantly KO'd, for the Goomnut did 2 damage to each Goomba.

Goombario took out his scanner, and focused on Goomboss. "That's Goomboss, the Goomba King. Red and Blue are his right-hand men." He informed. "His HP is 10, minus two because of the Goomnut, so he has 8. The crown on his head is heavy armor, so don't jump on him. Give him a taste of your hammer."

Mario scoffed. "Screw that." He said, dashing towards Goomboss, quickly, he dealt a powerful kick to Goomboss's jaw, dealing 4.

"O-ow! Hurt that did, bag of douche!" Goomboss yelled. He then kicked Mario with his huge foot, only doing a surprising 2 damage.

Goombario grew hands of his own, grabbed his hat, and tossed it like a boomerang at Goomboss. The impact of the hat did 2 damage.

Goomboss was stunned for a second. Mario took the chance to slam Goomboss in the face with his hammer, KO'ing him.

"We did it, Mar!" Goombario said happily.

"Fine!" Goomboss began. "Cross is what you can do!" He walked over to a bush, pressed a switch, and a bridge appeared behind Goomboss's Castle. "Flee is what we must do, Red and Blue!" He said, dashing in the Castle.

"Y'know, Mario, you're pretty cool. Where'd you learn to fight, Epic Ownage School?" Red complimented.

"Red's right, man, you're okay! Maybe we'll meet on friendly terms someday!" Blue said.

"Later, guy! Try not to go out there and die!" They both said, following thier king into the castle.

"... Did they really just RHYME again?" Mario said.

"I guess. Hey, that's the bridge to Toad Town! Let's go, Mario!" Goombario said.

Mario and Goombario crossed the bridge, and later went into the town.

**End of Prologue!**

How did you think of it? It took only 2 days, but I worked hardly!

Rate and Review!


	2. Prologue Part 2: Princess Luigi

Author's Note: Wow... I really suck, don't I?

It's had to have been about a freakin' YEAR since I uploaded this story's prologue. That is unacceptable. I don't even have an excuse to WHY it's so late, I'm just too lazy. And it's sad, because from what I heard in the reviews so far, the readers loved the humor! So, I'm getting offa my lazy ass, and continuing this story!

Let it roll!

Prologue Part 2: Princess Luigi

Bowser's Castle was high above the stratosphere about now, with Peach's Castle stuck to Bowser's like glue. Inside of the monarch's castle, was Bowser, chugging away at his alcohol like it was his job. "Damn, that's smooth," He exclaimed with a loud belch. "Who the hell makes this stuff? It's freaking amazing." Leaning in a chair, he sighed. "This is the life."

Suddenly, Kammy Koopa entered, with several noticable wounds. "I hate that god damn Goomba family..."

Bowser turned in his chair to face Kammy. "What is it, you old hag? Can't you see that I'm busy?" He growled at the Magikoopa, a small flame escaping from his gritted teeth.

Kammy fixed her glasses and her vision rose to her King. "Oh, yes, Your Harshness. Uhm, well... how can I put this lightly?" She pondered for a moment. "Oh, screw it. Mario and some Goomba kid beat the ever-loving crap out of Goomboss. They're likely entering Toad Town as we speak."

"Aw, god DAMN IT!" Bowser screamed, leaping out of his chair, a burst of fire spewing from his mouth. He crushed a beer bottle in his palm and threw the shards in Kammy's general direction. "You have GOT to be kidding me! Why did I ever entrust that dumbass!? 'OOH, BIG STRONG GOOMBA I AM,' he said! 'ULTIMATE POWER YOU GIVE ME AND TINY PLUMBER I CRUSH!' He said! That son of a bitch made a deal!" Bowser continued ranting. "I can NOT trust anybody in my army at ALL, can I?!" He chugged another entire bottle in a few seconds. "Ughhh... I hate my life." He slurred, dropping into his chair. "Freakin' rhymin' bastards... son of a bitch..." He seemed to have instantly leaped from steaming rage to sorrowful depression.

"Lord Bowser... while that is a severe issue, we do have another plan, you know!" Kammy butted in on Bowser's drunken weeping.

"Oh, be quiet, you hag! Mario has always-hic been interfering with my-hic plans!" Bowser slurred angrily. "He's always-hic won, and he's going-hic to win this time, just-hic like usual."

"Your Vileness," Kammy began. "You have the Star Rod! You can make all of your hopes and dreams come true! You could wish Mario to dust right now and finish him off!"

"No," Bowser belched. "Too-hic cliche." He sighed. "What are we-hic gonna do, Kammy?! Hic!"

"Your Hiccupping-ness... we have plenty of more powerful soldiers at our beck and call!" Kammy protested. "In fact, the Star Spirit closest to Mario is trapped in a fortress guarded by some of our elite soldiers."

"You seem so cock-sure-hic about this stupid-hic plan of ours working!" Bowser yelled.

"Lord Bowsa. Like, chill out, man." A voice from the doorway called. In flipped a group of four Koopa Troopas in ninja-esque gear.

"'Sup, bitches?" The one in red said. "We know how ta roll with da flow, Lord Bowsa! We gonn' take OUT dat plumba sunnuvabitch."

"Indeed. Whilst we brutally murder the red-clad hero, I will think about life and ponder on my existence and whatnot." The black-clad Koopa moped.

"And after we burn Mario to ash, we'll all get a bite to eat at McGoomba's!" The Koopa donning yellow drooled.

"And Yellow's a retard." Said the Koopa in the green gear.

"Oh, shut your mouth, Green! At least I have a personality! I mean, you're the normal one of the foursome! Booooring!" Yellow bitched.

"Woah, woah, woah. Yellow," Red began. "Didja just call us a FOURSOME? Bro, no. Dat's just wrong."

"I say you're all morons." Black rolled his eyes.

Watching the Koopa Bros. bicker on and on, Bowser whispered to Kammy. "Who the hell-hic hired these numbnuts?"

"You did," Kammy responded. "You were quite off-your-ass drunk that day."

"Well, it's a choice that I have the strongest-hic feeling of regret for." Bowser grumbled.

"Yer the one calling us a foursome, as if we do eachodda daily!" Red screamed to Yellow.

"Red, you're the dumbass who can't even speak correctly." Green scowled at the leader.

"Why are you trying to defend me, Green!?" Yellow pointed out. "Trying to get in my shell?"

"You act like we're all gay just because you are." Green calmly argued.

"I am not gay!" Yelled Yellow.

"I hate all of you." Black droned as the other three argued.

"Oh, quiet down, ya emo son of a-" Red called out, but was interrupted.

"ALL FOUR OF YOU, JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND LISTEN TO ME!" Bowser bellowed. Immediately, the four Koopas stood at attention and faced Bowser. He scowled at the Koopas. "Now listen up. You four dopes are-hic my only chance at this current moment. So you-hic asswads need to shut your pieholes and-hic COOPERATE!" He yelled.

"Worry not, Lord Bowsa, we're chock-fulla cooperation, right, dudes?" Red looked to his comrades, who all just nodded silently. "And besides, we got dis!"

Bowser looked up. "What?"

Kammy smiled. "Oh, Lord Bowser, you will love this. This attack is one hundred percent guaranteed to get rid of Mario easily... well, thier guarantee."

"Ya cannot go wrong wit' dis one, Lord Bowsa! Just wait an' see! Formation ready, boys?" Red called out to the other three, who all called out affirmative responses. "Let's do it, den!"

As the technique was revealed, Bowser's eyes widened in delight. So either he enjoyed the technique, or he was drunk off of his ass enough to have a sort of blissful quality. Likely it was the latter. "I love it, boys," Bowser exclaimed, proving the author wrong. "With that move, you can surely-hic finish off Mario!" He cheered, revealing that it was a little bit of both scenarios.

"Shall we go an' kick dat plumba's ass!?" Red rallied the group.

"Hell yes!" Two of the other three exclaimed.

"Sure." Black moaned.

"You are such a letdown sometimes, Black." Green perked an eyebrow.

"I know." Black sighed. "Can we go?"

"Hold up." Bowser hiccuped. "If you nitwits-hic are here... who's got Eldstar under-hic control?"

"Aw, sunnuvabitch!" Red yelled. "We fergot da star dude! Let's roll, Bros.!" With that, the four Koopas left the Castle.

"Kammy," Bowser began. "I really-hic hope you know what you're doing."

"Yes, Lord Bowser. Please trust me." Kammy pleaded.

"Fine-hic," Bowser grumbled "Now let's-hic check up on our special-hic guest." He stood up, and began walking for the door.

"Yes, Lord Bowser." Kammy began walking after him, and soon enough, Bowser collapsed due to the alcohol.

"Kammy?" Bowser hiccuped.

"Yes, Lord Bowser?"

"Help me get over there..."

"Yes, your Drunkenness."

When Mario and the homosexual Goomba finally entered the bustling home of the Toads, Toad Town, they found themselves greeted by a guard Toad.

"Mario! You've returned! Man, is it good to see you!" The guard said happily. "We've all been worried sick about you! We thought you freakin' died when Peach's Castle got lifted into the air."

"Well, here I am. You happy?" Mario said, annoyed at the rambling guard.

"Hehe. I'm happy you're here, Mario." Goombario said.

"Shut the hell up already!" Mario growled and sighed. He turned to the guard. "Anyway, who are you? I've never seen you around here before."

"Oh! Yeah, the Princess just hired me to be the guard of Toad Town so nothing like that happens again." Replied the guard.

"Why would they hire a foot soldier to guard a town where the attacker's castle FLEW in?" Goombario whispered to Mario.

Ignoring Goombario, Mario asked, "But wait a second. How could Peach have hired you if, one, she's kidnapped, and two, the castle's in SPACE!?"

The Toad nodded. "Ah. Well, you see, we have a replacement princess for while Peach is gone yet again. He- I mean she's residing in the rubble left behind Peach's Castle."

"What do you mean, he?" Mario questioned.

"He corrected himself, silly." Goombario flirted, only to be kicked aside by Mario.

"Dude, if it was a girl, he wouldn't have made the mistake in the first place. Now get your ass in gear an' get over here." Mario commanded, walking towards the site of the castle.

Entering the gate, the duo immediately noticed something that they could not have expected in a million years. "What the fu-" Mario began.

"Keep the curisng calm, Mario. This story's already wild enough." Goombario rolled his eyes.

"Ack!" Mario shouted. "Watch that wall, Goombario."

"Welcome to my castle, visitors... wait, Mario?!" It turned out that the "princess" residing in the rubble where the castle stood was Luigi in a pink dress and a blonde wig. In a panic, he took off the dress and, thankfully, was wearing his overalls and shirt underneath.

"What the hell was that?!" Mario yelled.

Luigi fixed his cap nervously. "You never know what a man can do when bored out of his mind."

"Never mind," Mario began. "I'm not gonna sleep well for a few months now. Anyway, I have to go to this place called Shooting Star Summit. Which way?"

Luigi pointed to the East. "Shooting Star Summit's that way, bro."

"Thanks, Luigi." Mario said, and started off to the east.

"Uh... hey, Mario?" Luigi called.

Turning back, the duo looked at Luigi. "What?" Mario asked.

"Do you think that maybe I could... I don't know... tag along?" Luigi asked. Mario remained silent. Then Luigi fell to his knees, begging. "Please, Mario! If you don't let me come along, then I could go insane! So insane that I could start wearing feminine clothing! Can't you just imagine the horror!?"

Mario sighed. "I already know. Fine, Luigi. You can join. Who knows, it could be fun." Mario shrugged.

"Oh, thank you so much, Mario! I won't let you down!" He hugged his brother, and then realized something. "Uhm, you're going to have to meet me at the Summit... I have to go home and remove all of this makeup." He waved and ran towards the Mario Bros.' house. "I'll be right back, Mario! Just wait up for me at Shooting Star Summit!"

Mario facepalmed. "Ugh... what have I done?"

Goombario looked up. "Jeez, that guy's weird."

Mario scowled at the Goomba. "I wouldn't be talking, you obsessive dumbass."

Goombario sighed in remorse. "Let's just go, Mario."

"If you say 'Hey, that rhymed!' or anything of the sort, I will kill you with my bare hands." Mario threatened.

Goombario, frightened, stayed silent for a moment. "... But you wear gloves."

Mario growled and picked up the Goomba. "Shut your god damn mouth." He dropped him and stormed towards the Summit, Goombario sheepishly following behind him.

The duo stepped into a purple-grounded field, stars raining to the ground.

"Wow... it's beautiful here!" Goombario was amazed.

"For once," Mario began. "I agree with you."

"So, what's the whole idea here?" Goombario asked. "We gotta climb this thing to the top?"

"I think so, yeah," Mario answered. "Shall we?"

"After you-" Goombario started.

"Do NOT say 'baby' or 'honey' or 'babe', NOTHING of the damn sort!" Mario pleaded angrily.

"... I was GOING to say 'MARIO'." Goombario said.

"Oh," Mario replied. "Whatever, let's just climb this damn thing."

"Gotcha!" He started to try to scale the summit by climbing on the bumps sticking out in the side. But he had fallen.

"Goombario."

"What?"

"You realize," Mario pointed over to the side. "That we can just walk up that path to the top, right?"

Realizing this, Goombario hopped down from his second attempt. "Oh. Of course I knew that. I was just trying to be, uh.. daring!"

"Shut up and walk the path with me, dumbass." Mario scowled.

"Yes, sir."

At the top of the Summit were seven panels around the edges of the summit. "What's all this?" Goombario asked.

After thinking, Mario said, "This must be where I have to meet that moustached star that I had visions about when I was knocked out."

"... Are you sure you-" Goombario started.

"No, I was NOT on drugs! Why does EVERYBODY say that?" Mario groaned.

"Mario! I'm back." Called a voice, which seemed to be dashing up the hill. When the two turned around, the voice happened to be Luigi.

"Did I miss anything, bro?" He panted. He must have ran the entire way.

"No. Goombario and I just got up here." Mario replied.

"Good, good." Luigi said. "So... what are we doing here?"

"Mario. You've made it. Along with some friends. Perfect." An elderly voice echoed throughout the top of the Summit. "Finally. We are the Seven Star Spirits. We were given the duty to watch over the land, and with our Star Rod, we could grant any wish that was given..." The voice sighed. "However, just about a week ago, Bowser Koopa had robbed us of our precious Star Rod, and Star Haven seemed to have fell into a depression of sorts. Not only has Bowser stolen the Star Rod, he has also taken the seven of us, and scattered us across the Kingdom, seven of his best minions keeping close watch on us. Mario, Luigi, and Goombario... can we entrust you with the journey of rescuing the seven of us, and also the Star Rod?"

"Yes!" The trio said simultaneously.

"Thank you... good luck!" The voice said.

"Hold on a minute," Mario said. "We never got your guys' names."

"Ah, yes. Of course." The elderly voice remembered. "I am Eldstar. I am the eldest, obviously... so I am also the wisest, bitches."

"Yeah, yeah, that's real wise of you to say, Eldstar! Why would you say that in front of the child Star Spirit!?" Spoke a more feminine voice, but still seemed somewhat older. "Oh, sorry, Mario. Didn't mean to go off track. I'm Mamar. I love to take care for the Star Kids in Star Haven." She had a really nasal voice; almost like Fran D- you know what, never mind. Not going off-topic.

"I'm Kalmar." Another voice introduced. It seemed noticeably younger than the previous two voices, however it still seemed like that of an adult's. "And I freaking hate it when Eldstar and Mamar fight. Stop it, please... keep the peace, man!" He cried.

"I am Muskular. Everyone else's a loser. I mean, look at these stellar pecs! I'm RIPPED!" Gloated the voice of what a muscular douchebag's would sound like. "Just look and be amazed, fatty!"

"First off, Muskular's a dope!" Bitched the voice of a stereotypical teenage girl. "Secondly, I'm Misstar. I got kidnapped, and now the world sucks because everybody loves me. Now I'm gone, and everyone sucks because they probably forgot about me. And Mamar, I need more shoes!"

"Dude... I'm Skolar... I'm totally baked right now, man... ugh... I gotta teach the kids tomorrow. Fatass dino thingy is all keeping me trapped in here and whatnot... I just wanna go home and smoke some more..." Another voice, similar to Kalmar's but maybe a bit older.

"I'm Klevar!" Said the cheery voice, easily the youngest. "I love reading, playing, and you, Mario! But not in a Goombario sort of way."

"Hey!" Goombario yelled, offended.

"Shut up," Klevar's voice growled. "When you save me, can you give me your autograph, Mario!?"

"Uh, sure." Mario replied, confused.

"Yaaay!" Cheered Klevar. "This is gonna be the best day of my life!"

"Now that you've met us all... your journey begins, Mario. First, you should rescue me. I am indeed the closest. You can find me in a fortress to the east of town. You must make haste. We cannot talk any longer... our communicative powers are fading..." With that, Eldstar's voice, along with any sign of the others, seemed to have become silenced.

"Wow... well, Mario? We ready?" Luigi asked.

"Yeah. Let's go. We've got a job to do." Mario turned around, and started walking down the path.

"Hehehe... a job to do." Goombario repeated, immaturely giggling.

"... You're a freaking creep, Goombario." Luigi said, amazed.

"Tell me about it. I've been stuck with this moron for a few hours now. Not a really good time." Mario growled. "Now, let's get a move on."

"Yes, sir!" Both partners said, as they followed the hero down the mountain.

"All I can wonder is," Mario began. "How's Peach doing?" He looked to the sky, where he saw a faded vision of Bowser's Castle... dangling in the air. Mocking him. "...Damn it... I just wanted to get laid..."

Meanwhile, in Peach's Castle, Peach was sitting on her bed, sobbing. "This freaking sucks... Mario's likely dead... Everyone's captured... The kingdom's in chaos... and I'm still a virgin!" She cried loudly.

In walked Bowser and Kammy, particularly, Kammy carrying Bowser with a sort of telekinetic spell. "Princess Peach. Never thought I'd be seeing you here, babe." Bowser grinned. He seemed to be less drunk, yet not hungover.

"You dolt," Peach yelled. "You came into my bedroom! Of course you'd be seeing me here, dumbass."

Ignoring Peach, Bowser laughed to himself. "How's about I tell you some good and bad news, Princess?"

"Fine," Peach answered. "But never call me babe, you drunken ass!"

"Whatever, babe." Bowser grinned. "Mario's got my first general down, and the wimp's still alive."

"What?! Mario's okay! Oh, thank the stars!" Peach cheered.

"However, my next group of four are guarding the next place... and he's going down." Bowser smiled evilly. "Isn't that just fantastic?"

"Yes it is, Your Crudeness." Kammy cackled. "My, oh, my. This is just so delicious!"

"You're both terrible people!" Peach cried out.

"Thank you." Bowser bowed and guffawed. "You know, Princess... you can tell me anything you want to have. I have the Star Rod. I can grant wishes."

"Oh, really?" Peach questioned. "Then let me go."

"Oh, let's see!" Bowser waved the Star Rod around. "O Magic Stick, can Princess Peach be set free?" Mockingly, he grinned at the Princess. "No." With that, he cackled, and he and Kammy exited the bedroom.

Peach slumped down onto her bed. "God damn it! Can't anybody help me!?" She heard a thud on her balcony door. "What the?"

She stood up, and stepped towards the door, a clothes hanger in her hand. When she opened it, a golden flash flew into her room. "Hurry, hurry! Shut it! Before they find out!" The flash squeaked, as he bolted from wall to wall.

"Who are you? Calm down!" Peach demanded as she shut the door. "Tell me your name."

The flash slowed its movements, and came to a complete halt, revealing a young, small star. "Sorry, Princess. I was in a big panic. Anyway, I'm Twink. I'm a Star Kid from Star Haven."

Calmly placing the clothes hanger onto her bed, she questioned, "So... what you're saying is you've come down here to..."

"Grant you a wish!" Twink smiled.

"Oh. Okay then." Peach said, sighing in relief.

Twink protested, his cheeks becoming rosy. " I can grant you a wish... except only a small one. I've only been sent to Star Haven yesterday... Keep it easy, mm'k?"

"Well, could you help me escape?" Peach wished.

"You dumb bitch, I said EASY! Escaping TWO castles on your own is one for about three of the star spirits!" Twink yelled, annoyed.

"Right, right... sorry..." Peach groaned. "Well then, can you send this to Mario?" She handed a star medal on a string to Twink. "And tell him that I'm okay... and he'd better expect the time of his life when he's back!" She grinned.

Twink nodded "Uh… okay then! I'll tell Mario your exact words! Good luck with Bowser, Princess..." He flew out of the door and towards Shooting Star Summit.

Peach closed her eyes. "Please, Mario... get to me quickly... I'm in need of losing my virginity." She sniffed. "Smells like blood." She looked down. "Oh. Damn."

Mario, Luigi, and Goombario had gotten to the base of the Summit, and were walking back in the direction of Toad Town. One of the stars raining from the sky had rocketed straight into Mario's temple. "Ah, son of a BITCH!" He screamed, as he was on the ground, holding his head.

"Sorry, sorry! I'm in a rush!" Said the shooting star, who was actually Twink. "Wait, you're Mario, aren't you!? I'm Twink!"

"Who?" Mario questioned.

"Oh, you don't know me. You see, I talked with Princess Peach. She wished for someone to help her, and I was sent for the task."

"So, did you help her escape? That is what she must've asked, right?" Luigi asked.

"Actually," Twink began. "You see, she did ask for me to help her escape the castle... except for one thing... I couldn't."

"Well, then you're a really lousy Star Kid..." Mario crossed his arms.

"Shut your mouth," Twink yelled. "I couldn't grant her wish because I'm brand new, dumbass!"

"Fine, whatever," Mario scowled. "What do you want?"

Twink nodded and instantly dug through his… uh, pocket… I guess… and pulled out the medal that Peach gave to him. "Here. Peach wanted to give this to you. It's a Lucky Star."

"And what the hell would a Lucky Star be?" Luigi asked.

"I don't know," Twink began. "She just gave it to me and told me to give it to you. And she wanted me to tell you that she's fine and you needn't worry."

"Right. Thanks, Twinkle." Goombario said.

"First of all, it's Twink," Twink scowled. "Secondly, are YOU Mario? I think not."

"Oh, whatever." Goombario growled to himself.

"Never mind him. Thank you, Twink." Mario nodded.

"I've got you now, you dopes!" A voice hacked from behind the four.

Turning around, Mario noticed a Magikoopa speeding towards them on his broom. "JUMP!" Mario commanded, as the other two split up, the Magikoopa riding straight through the two.

"Damn it!" The Magikoopa groaned. "Next time, KEEP LOOKING FORWARD, dumbasses!" He screamed at the trio.

"I'd, uh, better go!" Twink said. With that, he flew away.

Patting his wand in his palm, the Magikoopa grinned evilly at the trio. "So what if surprise attack fails? I can still finish you three numbskulls off by myself!" With that, he raised his wand and a flame emitted from the tip of the wand. "Now, DIE!" He screamed, swinging the wand and sending three fireballs flying at our heroes (and Goombario.)

Mario and Luigi were able to jump over the fireballs with ease, however, Goombario was burned in the foot and he screamed, running around as if he were a chicken with no head. "Oh GOD, this HURTS!"

"Shut up and fight, homo!" Mario screamed, jumping up and attempting to deliver a strong punch to the Magikoopa's face, but the Magikoopa whacked Mario with his wand, knocking him back with a jolt of electricity. "Urgh…" Mario groaned.

"I got this, bro!" Luigi called out, leaping up, and unexpectedly pounding the Magikoopa's back with both of his feet.

"Oh my GOD, that's CHEAP!" Called out the Magikoopa, as he prepared another fire spell, except a larger flame appeared. "Now you will suffer! So long, Linguini!" He jabbed at Luigi's direction, a very large flame blasting out of the wand, towards Luigi.

"It's LUIGI!" He said, somersaulting under the fireball, and pelting a nearby stone at the Magikoopa's face.

"Whatev- WOAH!" The Magikoopa screamed, the stone crashing into his nose, and shattering one of the lens on his glasses. "You son of a bitch, these glasses are brand new!" He called, rapidly firing fireballs at the trio.

Mario had just regained mobility when another fireball was pelted into his chest. "Ow! You have got to be kidding me!" He yelled, holding his arm. Goombario was still running around wildly.

Luigi was the only one able to dodge the fireballs, being prepared at every second. As he flipped, bobbed, and rolled through the hellfire, he gradually was able to inch closer to the Magikoopa, without making it noticeable. "Just give up, Green Mario! You stand NO chance against me!" He cackled.

Luigi was finally able to jump through the firestorm and kick the Magikoopa's jaw, knocking the wizard right off of his broom. He stepped up to the flinching Magikoopa, as he kneeled and glared him in the eyes. "It's Luigi." He stood back up, and delivered a roundhouse kick to the body, sending it flying into the air momentarily.

As the Magikoopa landed, he staggered back up, and flew away on his broom. "I'm not overlooking this!" He called, as he soared towards the sky.

"Luigi," Mario began when the Magikoopa was out of sight, "That was freaking badass!" He patted his brother's back.

Goombario, finally calming down, nodded and hopped over to the Brothers. "Yeah! That was awesome!"

"Really? Thanks!" Luigi chuckled, scratching his hair and shaking the dust out of his hat. He kicked a rock away happily, resulting in the rock to bounce off of a wall and into his face, knocking him down. "Well, there goes my self-confidence."

"Anyways, now we should head to the eastern fortress. Let's get a move on, boys!" Mario clenched his fist and nodded.

"Yes, sir!" Both party members agreed, as the trio headed back into Central Toad Town.

As they arrived back into the center of the town, Mario instantly noticed something different. To the east were a group of four Toads with gray caps. Their spots were red, green, yellow, and black. "Hey, boys," the Red-spotted one began. "It's dat plumba." He grinned evilly.

"Mario, who are these guys?" Luigi grabbed his brother's arm.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?" Mario scowled at his brother, and walked over to the group. "Excuse me, gentlemen. May we, uh, pass on through?"

"Naw, ain't happenin', Mario." The same Toad exclaimed, spreading his arms out like a barrier. "Sorry, man. It's… uh, under construction! Yeah, dat's right! Da bridge back dere, it's gotta get rebuilt.

"… There's no bridge back there." Mario noted, making the group's eyes go wide.

"Uhh," The green one thought. "Well, um, it's closed off because… er… there's… A MONSTER!" He shouted.

"A monster, huh?" Mario asked. "I'm Mario. Let me at him."

"No!" The green Toad shook his head wildly. "It's a huge monster!"

"Let. Me. At. Him. Then." Mario eyed the Toad.

"There's no monster." The Black-spotted Toad scoffed, making the other three quickly glare at him. "It's blocked off because there's a Fuzzy infestation at Koopa Village, and we were sent to be a barricade, so nobody gets out." The other Toads sighed, relieved.

"I see." Mario nodded. "Well, thanks for being truthful." He waved as he turned around and walked back, in the general direction of the Warp Pipe leading to his house. When the four Toads were out of earshot, Mario quietly said to the other two, "I don't trust those guys. Not one bit."

"Hmm.." Goombario pondered for a moment. His eyes widened, and he exclaimed a happy gasp. "Ah-ha! I know a guy who can get these dumbasses outta here." He motioned to a nearby blue house with a spinning roof. "See that house over there? I know the guy who lives there. He's a wizard!" He exclaimed excitedly.

"A magician?" Luigi questioned. "Lead the way."

"Alright!" Goombario cheered. "Follow me!"

Mario calmly punched his brother's arm. "Telling HIM to 'lead the way'." He growled to his brother. "I'm the leader here, we went over this."

"…No, we didn't." Luigi pointed out quietly, rubbing his arm.

"Well, still." Mario said, knocking on the supposed "wizard's" door. Silence. Mario knocked again. "Come on, answer."

"Maybe he's just not home." Luigi suggested.

"No. He never leaves this house. He has, like, no reason to!" Goombario said, worried. "Merlon!" He called into the door.

"Eh?" A raspy voice could barely be heard from the house. "Koopario?" The voice asked.

"It's… Goombario, Merlon." Goombario said roughly. "Can we come in?"

"No," answered Merlon. "You may NOT steal my bins!"

"No, Merlon," Goombario stammered. "May we enter!?" He called in, louder.

"You should have just asked to, Koopario! No need to yell. Come on in!" Merlon said happily, and Mario opened the door.

The trio entered.

"Hi, Merlon!" Goombario greeted happily. "How are you?"

"I know you think you're cool, Koopario. Why not ask me how I am first? It's quite rude." Merlon shook his head.

"But I…" Goombario stuttered. "Never mind! I have to ask you something!"

"You don't need to scream at me, Koopario. What's your issue? Who're your friends?"

"This is Mario and this is Luigi." Goombario motioned to the two brothers, respectively.

"Mary and Iggy? Well, good day to you two, lady and gentleman." He nodded politely.

"Are you freaking kidding me?" Mario said, annoyed.

"No! Why would you want that, Mary? I am an eighty-seven year old man!"

"That just makes me wonder what he heard." Luigi muttered.

"Merlon! Can you come here and use your magic on these jerkwads out here?!" Goombario asked.

"Of course, Goombario!" Merlon laughed. "Show me where."

"Follow us, Merlon!" Mario exclaimed, opening the door, and walked out.

"Alright, Mary. Ladies first!" He nodded, letting an irritated Mario exit before the rest.

Merlon and the three heroes walked out of Merlon's home and then to the group of Toads.

"Whatcha doin' back here, moron?" The red one eyed Mario angrily. "We toldja to scram! Dere's no passin' here!"

"Are you kidding me?" Merlon laughed. "You idiots are not fooling anyone." He snapped his fingers, and the Toads seemed to have vanished in a puff of smoke… except they did not disappear. They were the Koopa Bros.

"Aw, dammit!" Red growled. "Took us a month to get dem costumes right!"

"…They fooled me." Mario quietly acknowledged. "How the hell did they fool me?!" He groaned, slapping his forehead angrily.

"Black! Green! Yella! Let's get outta 'ere! Back to da fort!" Red called, as the group all ran off.

"Easy as that." Merlon nodded. "I must be getting back home now. Good luck with whatever you'll be doing that way. So long, Koopario, Iggy, and Mary… disgusting girl." He shook his head as he walked back into his house, leaving the trio to gaze in the direction of the Koopa Bros. Fortress.

"You ready, man and Goombario?" Mario asked.

"Hey, wait a min—"

"We're ready, Mario!" Luigi fist-pumped with excitement.

"Good, then let's-a freaking go!" Mario exclaimed, as the trio ran out of the eastern exit of Toad Town, and traveled towards Koopa Village and Koopa Bros. Fortress.

Author's Note: Look forward to "Chapter 1: Teenage Mutant Ninja Koopas", coming to a website near you in the near future! I promise not to be so terrible with the slacking off this time. Remember to throw me a review on what you thought of this chapter!

See you next time!


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